Radical Viewpoint: As difficult as it may be, your assignment is to be the adult in every situation involving children?your children, your mate’s children, and the children you have together. Never sink to the children’s level. Love for your partner will not resolve stepfamily problems. If you’re the step-parent, it is not realistic to expect your mate’s children to like you, much less love you. They may never like you. Know too that their dislike is not personal. They would feel the same way about anyone in your position. Also accept that the biological parent may not take your side when it comes to conflicts. It is not unusual for a step-parent to feel resentment, jealousy, indifference, anxiety, and even dislike for their step kids.

General Viewpoint: “Blended families” is a term commonly used to describe stepfamilies with a common child. But in the context of this book, we are talking about any combination: yours, mine and/or ours. This includes shared custody and weekend visitation situations. Overall, it is agreed that it is best to put your marriage before the demands of the children, but expect the children to come first when the parental parent is with their kids during visitation periods. If the children live with you and are manipulative, we’re back to putting your marriage first.

Common Causes: 1) An ex-spouse is programming the children in negative ways toward you, 2) The children view your marriage as a threat to the fantasy of getting mom and dad back together. They feel by sabotaging you that possibility exists, 3) The children feel that by embracing you they are being disloyal to their other parent, 4) If the ex-parent died, the child will have idealized the former spouse and will feel guilty for embracing you. 5) One of the parents in a blended family favors their own child. 6) When newly married and one of the partners has a child/children, the other partner can feel attention on the child takes away from the couple’s time together. There are many more potential blended-family conflicts.