When someone says to you, “you have a great personality,” it is a misleading statement. It implies that you have one “personality.” You don’t. No one does. We all have many. This does not mean that you are a schizophrenic with multiple split identities, but you do have sub-parts of yourself that can be sabotaging your relationship.

Let’s take some common examples: the “critic,” the “complainer,” and the “control freak.” Perhaps you have some, and maybe all, of these personalities. The critic comes out when your partner does anything that dissatisfies you. He left his stinky underwear in the middle of the floor again, or has spent all day watching sports and hasn’t said one word to you. Or she is trying to tell you about her girlfriend’s relationship problems while you are trying to watch the Superbowl. We all have a critic that comes out quite often. And whether or not you share your thoughts with your partner, you are both are experiencing the negativity.

The “complainer” is a subpersonality that likes to replay its problems over and over to anyone who will listen. This could be to your mate or even to your co-workers. As long as you complain about something, you are not doing anything positive to resolve the situation. And you are also just programming more negativity into your brain.

The “control freak” can emerge in many different forms. Some are overt, such as leaving a list of chores for your partner to do around the house while you are gone. Others are covert, such as withholding sex because he watches sports. But either way, trying to control someone else’s actions never works. It generates resentment, which never helps a relationship.

Becoming aware of your subpersonalities helps you to recognize them when they surface, allowing you to choose how to best respond. More often than not it will be by holding your tongue.