One of the most difficult things to do in relationships is to be direct and honest for the following reasons:

 1. We don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
 2. We want our partner to be a “mind reader” – to know what we want without having to tell them.
 3. We don’t want to get ourselves “in trouble” by expressing our opinions.
 4. We might not even know what we want.

According to gender research, the first two are more specific to women. This is because they are “relationship-oriented.” The reason for this is both biological and cultural. Biologically, women are wired to take care of the young. So paying attention to subtle emotional changes could have meant the difference between life and death in Cave-Man days. Culturally, this characteristic has been perpetuated in many societies over millions of years.

The last two statements are more specific to men. Generally, men are more “task-oriented” instead of “relationship-oriented.” As a Cave-Man, the male had to be very task-oriented to concentrate upon killing the prey for dinner. And this has played out in modern society like this: When a man’s wife comes home and wants to vent about what happened to her that day, he instinctually tries to offer her advice and fix her problems. That is “task-oriented.”

Mind-reading is not something most humans are good at. Take ownership for your viewpoint and don’t make your statements feel like criticism. If you want a cola out of the refrigerator, ask. Don’t succumb to the mind set of, “If he loved me enough, he would know I’m thirsty and automatically bring me a cola.” It doesn’t work that way.

Be direct and honest in a way that empowers you both. Placing blame is not a positive way to express your feelings. So be mindful of the way you would like to hear it. And deliver it that way to your partner.