In relationships, people often think along these lines: “If only Tom was more affectionate, then we would be happily married” or “If Steve would just stay home with me instead of playing golf all the time, then I would be happier.” Notice the “if only my partner were different” part of those sentences. That is where you get into trouble.

Here is a newsflash: Your partner is acceptable as is. It is you who has the problem. In order for you to accept that statement, let’s turn it around. Would you say that there are things about you that your partner would like to change? Or do you think he/she thinks you’re perfect? It is unlikely that any mate thinks their counterpart is perfect. So, it is safe to conclude that your partner would probably like to change a few things about you, too.

Do you think you are acceptable as you are? Most people would probably answer “yes” to that statement. If you think you are acceptable, then don’t you think your partner thinks they are acceptable too? There lies the paradox: you are both acceptable as you are. You are acceptable. Your partner is acceptable. So why do you resist?

A philosophy to live by that has been echoed throughout this book is: It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering. You are resisting how your partner is. And that is causing the suffering in your relationship.

You cannot change other people. They only change if they want to. But what you can change is your viewpoint. Adopt the attitude of “It’s okay for my partner to be the way he is. And it’s all right for me to not be affected by his actions.” By changing your viewpoint, you can transform the way you see your relationship. If you’re no longer affected by the “problem,” then you no longer have a problem.