When a woman wants to talk about “the state of the relationship” with her partner, he usually freezes up and thinks, “Oh God. What did I do wrong now?” He probably clams up and is ready to be on the defensive. This demonstrates how we automatically assume that our partner is criticizing us. You must keep in mind, however, that talking about the state of the relationship does not necessarily mean you did something wrong.

The only way this viewpoint works is if both people adopt this attitude. If one partner is talking about the “state of the relationship,” it is easy to blame the other for the problems. But there are no innocent victims. Both of you are responsible for the state of the relationship.

Therefore, if you are the one beginning a conversation about something, be sure you always use “I language.” “I-language” is taking responsibility for your feelings. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t call me to tell me you were coming home late from work,” say “When you didn’t call me to say you were going to be late, I got worried. I felt scared that something happened to you.” Notice how the two are very different. The first statement is accusatory. The last statement is focusing on yourself instead of the other person’s character.

If for some reason your partner doesn’t use “I-language,” simply refuse to take what they say personally. In the above example, perhaps that person would be mad at anyone who did not call when they were going to be late. Therefore, it is not you, but rather your actions (and what they represent to the other person) that bothers them.

Take the focus off yourself and put it on the relationship. Work as a team. Be respectful when you deliver information. De-personalize it. And if your partner tries to place blame on you, simply refuse to buy into it.