There has been much research conducted on the basic human needs. One of the needs in which couples struggle is in the tension between wanting autonomy from our partner, but at the same time desiring connection. Leslie Baxter (1990) is a gender scholar who has termed this phenomenon “dialectical tensions.”

Both autonomy and connection are basic human needs. This in itself is problematic. However, it gets even more complicated when two people in a relationship have differing preferences for how much of each they will have. Males tend to want more autonomy and less connection than females. Females’ needs tend to be the reverse. This is not to say that men only want autonomy, but they tend to want more of it than their partners. Both sexes want both, but the proportions vary.

The desire for different levels of autonomy and connection can generate friction in relationships. In fact, it is a common problem. This is the usual scenario: when one partner seeks emotional closeness through self disclosure and intimate communication, the other partner tends to feel suffocated. The result is a vicious cycle. The more closeness one demands, the more the other runs away. And the more that person runs away, the more the other partner demands closeness.

Men are socialized to want and/or need independence. Women are socialized to pay attention to relationships. So when a man pulls away, the woman will probably feel rejected. This is because each partner interprets the other’s actions through their own lens of reality. The man might think, “If only she loved me, she would realize I need my space and leave me alone.” And the woman might think, “If only he loved me he would talk to me and be more intimate with me.” This is where couples get into trouble.

Sit down with your mate and discuss how the two of you might be able to reach a compromise.

Baxter, L. (1990). Dialectical contradictions in relationship development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7, 143-158.