It is common for people in relationships to secretly test their partner in order to assess the extent of his/her love. While both sexes do this, they approach the tests differently. For example, women are more secretive about it than men. This is due to the fact that women are overall more attentive to the relational process. As a result, they consciously process the partnership more so than men. Therefore, this means that men are more likely to unconsciously test their lover’s commitment.

There are three general areas in which relationships are monitored and tested.* The first, partner “endurance.” This measures how well your mate will stand up to costly criticism. For example, if you can’t stand how messy or lazy your partner is, then you are likely to complain about it. The more complaining you do, the more likely it is that your partner will either pull away or run away. But the longer they stay, they better they are passing the partner “endurance” test.

The second area in which people monitor their relationship is in partner trustworthiness. In other words, will their mate respond to someone who flirts with him/her? In theory, the more a person “resists temptation” from outsiders, the more they love their present mate

Finally, people test partner commitment. For example, how will your partner react when you formally introduce them to your family and friends as your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” Or how will they respond if they are separated from you for an extended period of time?

It is important to remember that all of these areas of relationship monitoring are born out of fear. The more you “test” your relationship the weaker you become as an individual and as a couple. So do some inner work so you don’t have to test your lover. Instead, just project confidence and love and enjoy the ride.

Baxter, L.A. & Wilmot, W.W. (1984). Secret tests: Social strategies for acquiring information about the state of the relationship. Human Communication Research, 11, 171-201.