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| > Return to Relationship Repairs |
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Release Sexual Pressure |
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| If your sexual drive is out of sync with your partner, know that arousal is most likely when the less desiring partner is more receptive and when they are free to choose if they want sex or not. Fun as it may be, sex does not need to be spontaneous. In our world of over-commitment and multi-tasking, odds are against both partners being emotionally receptive and physically available at the same time.
So how about planning for sex? “Tonight at eight, let’s both kick back with a glass of wine.” This puts sex on both partner’s “to do” list. But at the same time it creates an obligation to have sex, and if sex is obligatory, anxiety may result, killing desire. So we have a paradox that needs to be resolved.
Here’s an idea: once you both agree to when and where, you also agree you’re not necessarily committing to intercourse, and you will each be responsible for your own sexual release. You both have total freedom as to how you “get off,” if you decide to get off at all. You may choose to have intercourse. But there are many other ways to resolve sexual tension. One of you may massage the other?a welcome experience if not accompanied by expectations. Side-by-side masturbation can be a freeing experience. Or masturbate each other, or have oral sex. Or the one most desiring sex masturbates while their partner watches and provides verbal encouragement. Be creative. Play naked in the back seat of the car. Any sexual expression may naturally lead to intercourse, but both partners must be free to say no. Move past feeling shameful about masturbation. If everyone does it (and everyone does, married or not), make it all right to express this intimacy in front of your partner. It will become a turn-on. The goal of planning a “sex date” is to become more relaxed about sexual issues. |
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