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Behavior Vs Feelings |
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| A sensible individual does not waste time and energy trying to directly control their feelings, because feelings cannot be manipulated by the will. “We cannot make ourselves feel confident or satisfied or grateful or loving or courageous just by concentrating or wishing we were so. Try it. It doesn’t work with any consistency at all,” says David K. Reynolds Ph.D. in Even in summer the ice doesn’t melt.
You can will yourself to go to work, or to spend an evening with someone you dislike, or walk the dog, even when you do not feel like it. To be mature is to be responsible for your actions, regardless of your feelings. But you cannot control what you feel. And if you do not like what you are feeling, accept the feeling, without resistance, and simply go on about your life. In time, the feeling will pass, other feelings will arise. The intensity of a feeling does not last forever.
We often quote a Reynolds line: “Behavior wags the tail of feelings.” In other words, you can control your behavior, which in time may alter how you feel in a particular life area. If you watch pornography (behavior), you are going to generate sex-related emotions (feelings). If you avoid helping someone you care about (behavior), you’re going to lower self-esteem (feelings). If your boyfriend left because you demanded he do what you wanted him to do (behavior), you now feel depressed about being alone (feelings).
You can control your behavior no matter how turbulent your emotional life. When you do, your feelings tend to settle down relatively quickly. But when you allow yourself to express wild extremes of behavior in response to extreme feelings, you perpetuate the intense emotions.
So accept your feelings, knowing they will fade over time unless you do something to restimulate them. You are not responsible for what you feel, but you are responsible for what you do, no matter what you are feeling.
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