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Intermittent Reinforcement |
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| You and your partner may be withdrawing from each other. You may have become hypersensitive to the wrong words, a negative look, or a sarcastic comment that causes your blood to boil. But at the same time either or both of you may not be sure you want to let the other go. So occasionally, one or the other is warm and loving, although not for long. When the emotional fatigue and bitterness rises to the surface, the fighting or withdrawal begins all over again.
This on-again, off-again process known as “intermittent reinforcement” makes you both crazy.
If it is any consolation, this situation will not last indefinitely. Your relationship will either get better or worse, causing you to become clearer about what you desire?to repair the union at any cost, or to decide it is beyond repair.
To help you move past the frustration of intermittent reinforcement, you need to decide what you want. In other words, you need to ask yourself a lot of difficult questions and to be truthful with yourself in answering. Here are the kinds of questions to ask yourself:
• If you partner does not change are you willing to remain in the relationship?
• How long are you willing to work at it? Five years? Four years? Three years? Two years? One year?
•Assuming you said one year, is it realistic to assume your partner will change? Have they ever changed? Will it happen in one year?
• If the answer is no, your relationship is terminal in one year.
Ask yourself additional questions about how far you are willing to go to make your relationship work. What must your partner be willing to do? What are you willing to do? Are you fantasizing about a new life without your partner? Are you attracted to someone new who is drawing upon your energy?
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