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| > Return to Relationship Repairs |
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Relationships Do Not Work |
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| Charlotte Joko Beck, in her book “Everyday Zen,” claims relationships do not work. “There never was a relationship that worked,” she says.
Why? Because with any relationship we want something. There are expectations?some subtle, some not-so subtle. We try to figure out our relationships--try to find a way to make them work so we can get what we want. The problem is “wanting something” and the resulting expectations.
Beck says, “... we often misinterpret what marriage is about. When a relationship isn’t working, it means that the partners are preoccupied with ‘I’: ‘What I want is ....’ or ‘This isn’t right for me.’ If there is little wanting, then the relationship is strong and it will function. That’s all life is interested in. As a separate ego with your separate desires, you are of no importance to life. And all weak relationships reflect the fact that somebody wants something for himself or herself.”
Beck uses a house analogy to make a point about rigidity in marriage and life. There are new designs for beach-front houses that protect the structure from the occasional big storms which flood such residences. In the new designs, when flooded, the middle of the house collapses and the water, instead of destroying the whole house, rushes through the middle and leaves the structure standing.
Flexibly structured relationships function in much the same way, allowing them to absorb shocks and stresses and continue to function. When a relationship is based primarily on “I want” or “I demand,” the structure is rigid and will be unable to withstand the pressures of life.
Life will test all relationships like a strong wind beating at the union. If the relationship can’t take the beating, then it will have to grow stronger so it can take it, or the couple will be forced to part so that something new has an opportunity to arise from the ashes. |
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